Perspectives

Day 16 – the first and (I assume) easier part of my journey is now complete. I’ve gotten into a rhythm of what to eat and when and (usually) remember to pre-soak my food so that cooking doesn’t take nearly as long. While there is a constant gnawing in my stomach, I can honestly say that I feel good. From my own observation, I would also say that I am not experiencing the temper as much as some describe – although I am a little shorter on patience!

I really don’t think that I’m obsessed about my weight, although the posts might tell a different story. I will say that I noticed for sure this morning that my body has changed and that I am actually a lot thinner than I thought. I think I know why I wasn’t noticing it before.

When I change clothes or take a shower, I look down toward my stomach and think, “That little pouch is still there and not noticeably smaller.” So, I think I haven’t lost weight. But when I look in the mirror from the side, I realize that I have indeed lost weight.

Bummer. The one piece of weight that I wanted to lose is still there; other parts of my weight that I didn’t notice are gone. I thought for sure that the first thing I would notice is six-pack abs. I’ve always told me kids that I have a six-pack, it’s just undercover. I thought it would be cool to “get rid of the cover” and see if I had been telling the truth.

In some ways, this reminds me of how God sometimes (often? always?) works in our lives. He removes from us that which we don’t mind having and leaves in us that which we wish He would remove. I think of Paul’s thorn in the flesh.

⁷ To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. ⁸ Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. ¹⁰ That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:7-10)

It’s just something about the way that God works. When we first followed Jesus, we said, “Take my life and let it be consecrated Lord to Thee.” To your glory, God. To your service. For your kingdom. And then we start to ask Him to take away those parts of us that WE don’t like, rather than those things that truly stand in the way of Him being glorified in and through us.

But He’s on to us. He knows what He needs to leave in us so that we will boast in our weaknesses and His power – and not the other way around.

I know what I’ve longed to see gone from my life. I’ve often asked God to take away my insecurity and fear of intimacy. I figured I would be better off and I would be better able to serve Him. To date, I’m still insecure and afraid of relationships. I and those around me have suffered because of it. And I wonder, “Why?”

Perhaps it’s for the same reason that the fat on my stomach is the last to go.

Back in the Saddle

I was gone Monday and Tuesday for regional church meetings. We definitely love our food! By continuing my fast during the meal times, I was able to have some good conversations with people about Darfur, clean water and fasting. Some of them had very interesting experiences of fasting that we were able to talk about. But I missed out on the pop and cookies. I did notice, however, that I am beginning to look thinner. I plan on going in today to have my body fat checked. That could be interesting.

Most people assume that because you’re fasting, they have to avoid conversations about food and eating. I wonder why? I certainly don’t feel the desire for food growing in me when they talk or eat in front of me. I guess I made the same mistake with a neighbor who was a recovering alcoholic. I apologized for inviting him to a party where we had some beer set out and I offered him one. I was very apologetic, evidently more so than I needed to be. Once smokers are free of their addiction, they can be around others who are smoking. Does this imply that we are “addicted” to food?

What else would explain the people that I met in an elevator who were laughing at how stuffed they were after the dinner they had just had – to the point of almost being sick. I’ve done the same thing on numerous occasions. If you did that with alcohol and couldn’t stop yourself from doing it again, we’d say you could be an alcoholic.

We don’t talk about the seven deadly sins much any longer in the Protestant world, but maybe we should. Gluttony is one of them. It’s not just about eating, but a style of life in general. Back when people didn’t have nearly as much on average, the church identified “going overboard” as a DEADLY sin. We, instead, laugh at our overeating and treat it as a joke. That’s like a person driving a car at an embankment and laughing at the crash that’s going to happen.

^“12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. ¹³ Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, ¹⁴ I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. ¹⁵ All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. ¹⁶ Only let us live up to what we have already attained. ¹⁷ Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. ¹⁸ For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. ¹⁹ Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. ²⁰ But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, ²¹ who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. 4 Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!” (Philippians 3:12-4:1)

Going Public

Day 12. Let’s see now. Jason and I are thinking we’ll be doing well to make it through 30 days. 12/30=40%. This is just flying by! Went running again and felt good. I did weigh myself, though – 11 pounds of me are gone! I don’t notice a drop in energy that much, but I have noticed that I feel cold and tired. Saturday morning, I was dizzy often while cleaning the house…and I know it’s not dehydration.

I set up a table at church today to talk to people about the water-only and Darfur fasts. I don’t really like to be “out there” with what I am doing. But it seems that the best option we have right now for making a difference in Darfur is to get large groups of people interested in what is happening there – and writing to people who can do something about it.

I didn’t have many people stop to talk. I did have a group of younger kids for a little while. I talked to them about Darfur and tried to help them understand the need for us to make a difference. I was pleased to hear some parents also saying that they are trying to help their children to realize that there are many around the world who live far below our standards of living.

Not surprisingly, a few people expressed concern for my health. I assured them as best I could that I would monitor the situation. Later, I thought I should have asked why my health is so much more of a concern than the health of 1,000s of people who live on this diet all the time. I know, it’s because I’m here and they know me. But my life is not more valuable than the lives of refugees. It’s just more present.

I did wonder what would happen if I took this “too far.” What if my health really did appear to be suffering? And what if I said I wouldn’t stop the fast until everyone in the congregation wrote a letter to the President. Other than freaking out my kids, I imagine I could motivate a lot of people to write the letter. But isn’t there something a little less extreme that will motivate us to stand up and say, “Stop!”?

Am I Alone?

When faced with a temptation, I sometimes find it helpful to ask, “Would I do/think/say thus-and-so if Jesus were sitting/standing right next to me?” Of course, He is. More than that, His Spirit is inside of me knowing the motivations behind what I do/say/think! That’s incredible. But sometimes, I seem to forget. That is, I act is if I am alone and He isn’t paying attention.

The fast has not been difficult for me yet. For that, I’m thankful. But what I know about myself is that it is easier to deny myself than to control myself. That is, it’s easier for me to eat a rigid 1000-calorie diet than it is to eat a flexible, healthy and responsible 2000-calorie diet. And so I wonder, what happens when the fast is done?

Will I eat ice cream by myself at night? I can afford it, financially and physically. The Friend metabolism will keep me from getting fat. And the kids won’t know the difference until it’s their turn to have some ice cream – and it’s gone! Bad daddy! But would I eat that if a child from a refugee camp was sitting next to me, his stomach growling and empty?

Will I buy beer? I like to have a beer at night sometimes – not usually the same night as the ice cream. My notebook computer on my lap, the reclining feet up, the Olympics on, a beer in one hand and a potato chip in the other. Does it get any better? I would find it harder to enjoy if I saw a mom from Haiti looking through the window at me.

Will I drink soda or coffee? There’s nothing wrong with either of them. In fact, there might even be some medicinal benefit to drinking coffee. But I know myself well enough to know that I have an addictive part of me when it comes to drinking caffeinated beverages. I would not hesitate to drink them in Jesus’ presence…unless, of course,  He was asking me what I thought about 1 John 3:17: ^“If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?”

It’s so easy for me to think that I’m alone simply because I can’t see anyone around. But I know that Jesus is always with me. And I know that He said, ^“The poor you will always have with you…” (Matthew 26:11) Am I really alone?

How Long to Run?

I went running again last night. It was glorious! I’ve never been one of those people who starts running and then gets a rush of energy and just wants to keep going. I WANT to stop when my distance is done. But I feel good and even did some strength training after. And my weight hadn’t dropped any more, so that’s also good (albeit surprising).

As I was running, I was again listening to Francis Chan. Big mistake. He’s been working on Isaiah 58 and now on the profile of those who are crazy in love with Jesus. One word keeps coming up – sacrifice. When the chapter was done, I kept running…and thinking.

When I was looking at one pound a day, I realized that I would be at my wrestling weight in high school (28 years ago!) in 30 days. At that time, my body fat percentage was around 7%. The problem is, the American Dietetic Association recommends that men have 15-18% body fat. Once you drop too low, your body starts to eat your muscle (layman’s talk).

So, I had been thinking that I stop when my body fat percentage gets too low and my body starts to devour itself (an overstatement, I know, but it sounds more dramatic). Then the word – sacrifice. Is it a sacrifice if I stop before I cause any damage to myself? Is that the point – just give everything that you safely can, and then stop? What if I did keep running and fasting even after my body started to destroy muscle? What if this fast left me so that I had to rebuild muscle and strength and endurance? Would that be bad?

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not really thinking of taking this that far. But it does make me wonder about life in general and my commitment to God and to the poor. Do I just follow to the point where it starts to hurt? Or to where it really starts to cost me? Am I willing to follow Jesus and care for others to the point that I actually “spend myself on behalf of the poor?”

It’s an important question to ask. After all, Paul wrote to the church in Philippi, “Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus…he humbled himself…even to death on a cross.” (Philippians 2:5-8) And Jesus Himself said, “For God so loved the world, He gave His only begotten Son…” (John 3:16)

Oops!

Jason and I are moving away from calling this a “diet” and instead calling it a “fast.” It seems in North America, if you say “diet,” we think weightloss. Interesting. The dictionary says, “food and drink considered in terms of its qualities, composition, and its effects on health.” We’re all on a diet; we were just choosing to call ours the one that the people of Darfur are on as well. Nonetheless, it’s now a “fast.”

It turns out that I wasn’t quite following the correct amounts for my fast. I was eating (and will again tonight) 1/2 cup of yellow sweet peas. I was only supposed to be eating 1/6 cup. Glutton! Starting tomorrow, I will drop to the prescribed portion. Jason, on the other hand, was eating only 1 Tbsp of Cream of Wheat, whereas I have been eating 3. He’s going to join me at 3 – there must have been a typo in the materials we received. Now we’re on track!

On Sunday, I’m going to set up a table in the foyer after church to talk to people about the water-only fast and the Darfur fast. I’m going to encourage people to put pocket change into a water bottle to help me raise money for clean water. BTW, since I’m now raising money at church for this, the money is moving away from Blood:Water Mission to Christian Reformed World Relief Committee (CRWRC). The same need, but different organizations.

I spent some time on the phone today with Joel Lautenbach of CRWRC. I was looking for a low-budget way to give to providing clean water. While there are ways to go about it, Joel really emphasized how complicated the problem is. In order to provide clean water to a village, you can’t just dig a well or hand out a filter. That will work for the short-term. But you need to spend time with the villagers helping them to understand what causes their water to become dirty and infested and how to prevent it. Then, if you can protect the water source, they will have clean water for generations to come.

Isn’t that always the way? You can do a little easy work and provide a short-term fix. Or, you can invest in the people themselves with time and knowledge and money, and they can help themselves for years to come. This is true for counseling, financial needs, clean water, community health,… The question I have to struggle with is what kind of husband, father and pastor I will be – one for the short-term or one for the long?

First Break!

I broke my “fast” this evening. It was at the Wild Game Feed that our youth group puts on. It’s a lot of fun and a great fundraiser for SERVE and Leadership Quest.

One of the fundraisers is that you can pay to put someone’s name in a box. Names are drawn out to see who will participate in a game. Evidently, people could only think of a few names, as mine was drawn for both games! One involved finding 15 gummy bears in a serving bowl full of whipped cream – without using your hands! I broke my fast when I started because I didn’t realize that I could suck in the whipped cream, filter out the gummy bears, then spit it back out. I hope they didn’t plan to reuse that.

I could have bought my way out – I did last year. I could have told people about the fast and that I couldn’t possibly break my fast for the sake of a game. I figured instead that a fast really didn’t mean a whole lot if I couldn’t help the youth go to serve others or to learn how to lead others. So I did it. The sugar didn’t sit real well, though.

For the Love of God

I’m not sure that it’s real wise to listen to Francis Chan (Crazy Love) while doing these “fasts.” He puts some crazy ideas in my head – like taking more seriously God’s consistent call to sacrifice. And the regular reminder that we don’t sacrifice in order to mortify (kill) our own flesh or to beat our bodies/selves into submission. Rather, we are to sacrifice so that we can better love God by loving others. Question: do I hear Francis any differently now than I would if I weren’t “fasting?”

I was listening to Francis on my first trip to the gym since beginning this journey. I was a little bit concerned about how it would go as I’ve felt tired (lack of caffeine or food?) and some unexpected soreness in my muscles. It went fine. Instead of running 3 miles, then going on the elliptical for 30 minutes, I ran 2 at my regular pace, then 1 a little slower and skipped the elliptical entirely. It was still 500 calories burned – half of my daily intake. I didn’t weigh in on the first day as I had hoped, but I’m guessing I lost roughly 5 pounds in the 5 days of the fast. I can’t keep up that pace without starting to give new meaning to the phrase, “Spend yourself on behalf of the poor.”

Conversations begin!

What a treat! My three older children were asking questions yesterday – thoughtful questions – about why I was doing this.

“Can’t you just send some money?” Yes. And I plan to. My prayer is that by going through this fast, I will be more aware of the hungry in this world and the blessings that I have received for years to come.

“It looks gross.” Honestly, it kind of is. I dropped to 2 T. of cream of wheat this morning – and finished just before the gag response really set in. (And you wondered why it was so hard to get your infant to eat baby food? Try it some time.)

They also asked me questions about Darfur, which I didn’t have real good answers for…yet. Each day, I want to read some on Darfur so that I can understand better how this came about and how complex an issue it is to provide relief.

Nevertheless, the conversations have begun. I’m heading off to lunch now at Chipotle – I love their burritos. To eat or not to eat – that is the question.

Food is everywhere!

I went down to Coborns and picked up my Bulgar. 1/2 cup for lunch with 1 1/2 cups of water boils up to be a lot of wheat. I almost got giddy when I put on a whole packet of sugar! Goofy, I know. But I first started sprinkling it on and thinking, “That’s probably it.” And it kept coming! Finally, I just dumped the rest on and let out a little whoo-hoo.

I’m noticing food everywhere. There are some leftover crackers in a baggy on the counter. I want to eat them in the worst way. I see advertisements for food on billboards. When I was in Coborns, of course there was food. My thought was, “Why can’t I have an orange? That would be good for me.” (I knew I couldn’t convince myself a bag of chips was necessary, but if there was something healthy…)

Why not, indeed? If I were only going to do what was good for me, I wouldn’t have started this. Granted, I’m curious to see what I would look like if I were down to 167 again like I was in high school (I’m currently at 200). Even the next weight class – 185 – would be an accomplishment. But I know of few people who would tell me that this is the way to go about losing weight. Few would say it’s “good” for me…at least physically. I hope and pray that it will be spiritually.