Tomorrow is the end of the 30-day fast. It’s hard to imagine. When I began, I had serious doubts that I would make it or even be allowed (by medical personnel) to continue. And here I am today, 17 pounds lighter and feeling better than I have in a long time.
It is with some apprehension that I approach the end of this fast. It will be nice to be warm again without lots of bundles and turning the heat up. My metabolism has certainly dropped to a much lower level and I do sleep a little more (up to 7 or 8 hours a day now!). I’m ready to be done with planning ahead on meals and eating “by myself” – that is, not sharing meals with family and friends. I’m still with others when I eat, but it doesn’t feel the same if you are not actually sharing the meal with them.
My apprehension has to do with “after the fast.” I didn’t go into this thinking that there was going to be any huge revelations or real change in the situation in Darfur just because I’m fasting. I was looking forward to what sorts of changes God will bring in me. That’s where my apprehension comes in.
I firmly believe that God is in control of my life and that any lasting and useful changes that are happening in me are the result of His hand. I’ve tried to change things myself often enough and failed…sometimes miserably. I also know, however, that we are called to live in response to what God has done. Paul wrote,
In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. (Romans 6:11-14)
So, assuming that God has begun a work in my inner man and not really being sure of what that is, where do I go from here?
I don’t want to go back to my “diet” before. It was neither healthy nor helpful. Lots of sugar, irregular meals, junk food, etc. I am blessed with a higher metabolism or less efficient digestive flora than others, so my weight didn’t necessarily show it. But I knew it. And my body knew it. Emotionally and physically, I was often drained. And I said to God, “Take this from me!”, never really acknowledging that I was asking Him to take away the consequences of decisions that I was making for myself – without being willing to change my actions!
I don’t want to forget the hungry and thirsty people of our world. What I would really like to do is take a week-long trip every year to a poor country and see first-hand what their lives are like. That probably won’t happen anytime soon, what with my family obligations and all. But I need it. One of the unique things that I’ve noticed about myself is my compassion for the poor. May God increase that.
I guess I could summarize my apprehension this way: I don’t want to go back to the lifestyle I lived before, but I know holding myself to a new lifestyle is harder than holding myself to a 30-day fast.
The end of the fast is really kind of like Easter: a new beginning. Will I be able to walk this new way? Will I get back on the path after stumbling? And what will it mean if I follow this new path/lifestyle? In many ways, these are the questions that make up the Christian life.
