Un-Believable!

I just got back from running. I’m back on to the 3-mile journey, and when I’m working out in the evenings, I will add back my 30 minutes on the elliptical machine. Dare I say I was shocked and disappointed in stepping back on the scale? Would you dare to guess how much weight I’ve gained in the 3 days since going back on “regular” food? Keep in mind, I did try to eat much smaller portions than normal and I tried (somewhat unsuccessfully!) to stay away from sweets.

6 pounds! In three days! That’s not fair! When I was “starving” myself on a 1,017 calorie per day “diet,” I lost 1 pound per day. Now in three days of somewhat reduced eating, I gain 2 pounds per day. Now I understand more fully what so many have said before: dieting stinks!

Thankfully, this was not about losing weight. If that’s all I was in this for, I would be depressed right now. No, this was about love – for others, not myself. Have I learned some secrets to love? I think so. Have I learned secrets to weight loss? Evidently not!

In case you hadn’t noticed, the parallels to the Christian life are frightening. It takes discipline and time to eke out small gains in righteousness that can be lost in moments of indulgence. John Stott once said (in commenting on Galatians 6), that the trick to crucifying the sinful nature is that we need to leave it on the cross until it is dead. Too often, we feel sorry for ourselves and go back to old ways; or we covet what others have and turn to their ways; or we simply don’t think it is fair that we have to work so hard while others “play.” Of course, we know that hard work is the key to growth and success and joy. But still! Why do they get to play?

Small wonder that Jesus said, “Take up your cross DAILY and follow me.” That really is the key: the long, patient, selfless discipline of following the one who is leading us to live.

Important Week

This week has been designated as a week for Christians from around the world to join with the people of Darfur in praying for peace for their region. They’re asking for the post-Easter elections to be fair elections that will provide them with a leader who will be just toward all the people of Sudan. They’re praying that there will not be a resurgence of violence following the elections. And  they’re praying that they would be able to put this civil war (an odd name, don’t you think?) behind them and begin to rebuild their lives and their country. Please join me in praying with them for God to move in a mighty way.

Disappointment

Coming off of this fast has been a lot easier than I anticipated…so far. My smoothies on Friday were spectacular…albeit a bit sour with the first one. (One whole, moderately ripe lime was too much.) I went to our Adult Retreat over the weekend and was surrounded by food, but did pretty well limiting my portion sizes and my sweets intake. And my stomach appreciated it.

My disappointment came on Sunday afternoon and evening. We had leftover sweets at home – really good and really sweet! We also had Girl Scout cookies that I bought but my family has been eating without me. All told, I had cookies after church, then at home one Turtle Brownie, three Nanaimo Bars, and four Girl Scout cookies. And I was like a fiend looking for more to eat. I looked at my typical “snacks” (although you can tell by my portion size that they really qualify more as meals than snacks) and realized that I had been consuming a huge amount of calories in snacks.

I was disappointed in how quickly I fell into old habits. I was disappointed to realize how poor my diet was in the past. I am disappointed to realize more fully how long and hard this journey that I have begun to travel is going to be. I always knew that the initial 30 days would be easy compared to living a healthier and more just lifestyle.

Furthermore, I am not alone. I have a wife and children who don’t necessarily share my desire for a healthier lifestyle. (In many ways, theirs was already healthier than mine.) I’d like to see us move away from red meat and add more whole grains to our diet. To some extent, I can simply decide for the kids on the nights that I am cooking, but I can’t make them eat what I cook or be happy with it. I have a long road ahead of me and retraining myself and teaching my children how our food choices don’t only impact our lives, but the lives of others as well.

I guess you might say that I was just plain naive to think that the real change would  happen in the 30 easy days rather than in the lifetime that follows. But I know that I don’t want to go back. I feel much better than I did before. I don’t want the weight back that I’ve lost (21 pounds was the final total). I don’t want the heaviness in my stomach or my emotions. I don’t want the guilt. And I don’t want the long-term impacts on my health, my family and the world that my previous lifestyle had.

And so, the journey begins. Pray with me that the journey would go well, that I can stay the course and offer grace to myself when I fall back. And pray that over the long run, some real good would come of this fast.

Three words

Tomorrow.

Breakfast.

Smoothie!

Water progress

While my food fast is finishing, I will still continue on the water-only fast up to Easter. I’m thinking coffee in the morning, pop at lunch, beer at night…but I probably won’t do it.

I counted the money that people have given so far in my water bottle. $53.17. That’s a far cry from the $300 it will take to just protect one water source in Uganda, so I either have some work to do in getting people motivated or I have some cash to come up with!

One story from the water bottle has really touched me. There is a gal who is associated with one of our church ministries. Her family doesn’t have much. Money is tight. They live in a trailer in the woods and have two special needs children. And she has a heart of gold. She told her boys about what I was doing and tried to help them understand the needs of people in other parts of the world. The boys decided to search throughout the trailer and find all the loose change they could. She came in the next week with a stack of pennies. Like the widow’s mite, those pennies are probably the most costly in the water bottle. I treasure them.

New Beginnings

Tomorrow is the end of the 30-day fast. It’s hard to imagine. When I began, I had serious doubts that I would make it or even be allowed (by medical personnel) to continue. And here I am today, 17 pounds lighter and feeling better than I have in a long time.

It is with some apprehension that I approach the end of this fast. It will be nice to be warm again without lots of bundles and turning the heat up. My metabolism has certainly dropped to a much lower level and I do sleep a little more (up to 7 or 8 hours a day now!). I’m ready to be done with planning ahead on meals and eating “by myself” – that is, not sharing meals with family and friends. I’m still with others when I eat, but it doesn’t feel the same if you are not actually sharing the meal with them.

My apprehension has to do with “after the fast.” I didn’t go into this thinking that there was going to be any huge revelations or real change in the situation in Darfur just because I’m fasting. I was looking forward to what sorts of changes God will bring in me. That’s where my apprehension comes in.

I firmly believe that God is in control of my life and that any lasting and useful changes that are happening in me are the result of His hand. I’ve tried to change things myself often enough and failed…sometimes miserably. I also know, however, that we are called to live in response to what God has done. Paul wrote,

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus. Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires. Do not offer the parts of your body to sin, as instruments of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God, as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer the parts of your body to him as instruments of righteousness. For sin shall not be your master, because you are not under law, but under grace. (Romans 6:11-14)

So, assuming that God has begun a work in my inner man and not really being sure of what that is, where do I go from here?

I don’t want to go back to my “diet” before. It was neither healthy nor helpful. Lots of sugar, irregular meals, junk food, etc. I am blessed with a higher metabolism or less efficient digestive flora than others, so my weight didn’t necessarily show it. But I knew it. And my body knew it. Emotionally and physically, I was often drained. And I said to God, “Take this from me!”, never really acknowledging that I was asking Him to take away the consequences of decisions that I was making for myself – without being willing to change my actions!

I don’t want to forget the hungry and thirsty people of our world. What I would really like to do is take a week-long trip every year to a poor country and see first-hand what their lives are like. That probably won’t happen anytime soon, what with my family obligations and all. But I need it. One of the unique things that I’ve noticed about myself is my compassion for the poor. May God increase that.

I guess I could summarize my apprehension this way: I don’t want to go back to the lifestyle I lived before, but I know holding myself to a new lifestyle is harder than holding myself to a 30-day fast.

The end of the fast is really kind of like Easter: a new beginning. Will I be able to walk this new way? Will I get back on the path after stumbling? And what will it mean if I follow this new path/lifestyle? In many ways, these are the questions that make up the Christian life.

Good Bread!

I broke my fast today. Just a little. I didn’t even think about it in preparation, but we celebrated Communion today and…well…I ate the bread and drank the juice. Sure, small thing to you! But I can tell you this – that was the best bread I’ve had in a loooong time! I had a hard time keeping a straight face after that – which, when you think about it, is a good problem to have during Communion.

Someone asked after the service if my lack of tasty food and drink for the last 25 days made the bread and juice taste better. Absolutely. Was it a more spiritual experience? Not necessarily. In reflection, though, it does make me more aware that “those who hunger for righteousness” will be filled. And that those who have been forgiven much will love much.

You can’t really manufacture your emotions. Oh sure, you can get yourself  ”jazzed up” before a big game. But you can’t really make yourself love God more. Ironically, it appears that the more you sin, the more you experience the love of God when it washes over you. It makes it more clear what Paul says in Romans 6: “Shall we go on sinning that grace may increase?”

It seems a shame, doesn’t it? Those who sin the least (or at least those who THINK they sin the least) will experience less of the grace of God. I guess that’s why we pray, “Open our eyes, Lord.” We need Him to help us to see. Thank God that He helps us to see our sin in all of it’s immensity. It teaches us to hunger and thirst for His grace. And when it comes? It’s like a tiny piece of bread after a fast or a tiny cup of juice after “just” water.

Getting Closer and Farther

I’m finishing up my 25th day of the fast. I spent the afternoon…baking. Actually, I started last night by mixing up the refrigerator bran muffins. Today, Annika and I baked those, then I made two batches of cookies and some Nanaimo bars. Do you know how hard it is to bake when you can’t lick the bowl, spatula or even your fingers? I began the baking last night because I wanted to try to make some bread out of my wheat. I used whole wheat flour because I couldn’t grind up the cracked wheat well. The bread could definitely use some sugar, but it tastes OK otherwise.

I also did a little bit of research on how to end this fast. Those who do the more complete fasting (juice- or water-only) recommend taking 5-6 days to gradually reintroduce foods because the digestive system has shut down. If I don’t, I could be really miserable for a couple of hours. So, I’m thinking smoothies! I think it’s too thick to count as breaking my water-only pledge. I must say, though, that I was a bit disappointed to think that the fast doesn’t really end on Thursday; it just begins to taper off.

One of the blogs mentioned “the feeling of euphoria” that you get when you fast. I don’t know that I would call it euphoria, but I can say that I have felt really good the last week or so. Still light-headed (BP is 110 or 73, so a full 20 points lower than normal) and feeling cramps in my side after eating and feeling cold all the time. But my emotions and assertiveness have been up. I put a book on hold at the library called, “Depression-Free Naturally.” I think I will try to make my diet in the future one that will allow me to continue the emotional strength while increasing my physical strength and metabolism.

Limitations

I did it! I don’t know how I managed, but I made it. Last night, I went to the gym again. Prior to the fast, I had been “running” 3 miles @ a 6 mph pace, then going on the elliptical machine for 30 minutes. Once I started the fast, I realized I would need to cut back, so I dropped the elliptical. Sometime last week, I realized that even this pace was too much because my pulse would be up to 187 – that’s above the High Intensity level (for my age group). So, I thought I better slow it down. That’s easier said than done. But last night, I managed to run only 2 miles and at the slower 5 mph pace.

For some, that’s too far and too fast. I get that. For me, the struggle is to accept my limitations. I know that I can still do the full workout from before, but that it’s not wise. But it kills me to run at a slower pace and for a shorter distance than I am “able” to. I want to get the best workout in the shortest amount of time and be relatively confident that no one else in the gym at the time is able to do the same. (It helps to go during the day when only retired people and less-healthy specimens are competing with me!). Hmmm, does that sound anything like pride to you? How about perfectionism?

It’s funny what a fast will show you about yourself. It truly does start to “mess with” your physical self so that you can better understand your spiritual and emotional self. I’m not sure that I like what I have been seeing.

“Are you so dull?” [Jesus] asked. “Don’t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him ‘unclean’? For it doesn’t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body.” (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods “clean.”) He went on: “What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean.’ ” (Mark 7:18-23)

I don’t like to see what is inside of me. I don’t like to acknowledge that there is more to who I am than I like to show others. I don’t like to admit that the greatest limitations on who I am and who I become are the ones that are inside of me, not outside of me. I am proud, but not proud of it. May God continue to show me my limitations and give me the strength to accept them.

Linked Together

I didn’t realize this when I started in Lent, but the Darfur Fast and the 40 Days of Water go hand in hand. I was preparing a Sermon of the Week for our local paper and came across an article from Reuters dated January 21. As far as loss of life goes, “more than 80 percent of excess deaths were not a result of violence.” The cause? Illnesses that are “caused by people living in unsanitary conditions with little or no healthcare infrastructure.” One of the illnesses named was diarrhea. For most of us, diarrhea is gross and inconvenient, but not deadly. But that’s because we have clean water to drink.

The plight of the people of Darfur has been exacerbated by their president, Omar Hassan a-Bashir, who on March 4, 2009 ordered humanitarian organizations out of his country. He was reacting to the fact that the International Criminal Court had issued an arrest warrant for him on the charge of war crime. In effect, he said, “I’ll show you what inhumane treatment is!” In the year since, at least 13 organizations have been removed from Darfur.

The researchers who came up with these numbers are advising that we should “expect the worst”. In 2006, when humanitarian aid was restricted, mortality rates increased. We should expect the same in 2010.

As with all of these situations, the reality in Darfur is complex. There are no “good guys” and “bad guys.” The rebels could stop fighting for control of the government of Sudan. The president can call a cease-fire and send in help to his people. It’s not easy to tell right from wrong in cases like these. What is clear is that there are 2.6 million people who have been displaced who are now in danger of violence and disease. Many of them are innocent civilians. At the very least, both sides should be able to agree that the lives of innocent women and children is a shared value. But they won’t.

This fast, really, is a fast for justice. It is a fast of solidarity with those who are powerless to protect themselves or provide for their families. It is a prayer that God would be the one to step in and help them. Many of the people of Sudan are Muslims, but there are Christians and animists mixed in as well. I pray that they would be able to say with the Psalmist, “My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.”

But it is also a prayer that I might be changed. I am a follower of Jesus Christ. I believe that He has revealed Himself and His Way in the Bible. And in that Bible, I read: “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” (James 1:27)